Poem, Check this out Options

[kazeminarocloud]

Check this out
I am the unforgiven angel of the light holding pieces of
broken anger never knowing when or why im going to die
it's just why I have to fight.............Nothing will ever hold me back
may it be mortial or immortial.............Here I go.
The dark in nothing the only truly scary thing is my destiny.
Fallen light endless night For the fight im immortial!
Soring past the dark and Never loosing hope this one thing ......
Just one thing........!!!
I am the loving demon of the dark holding pices of dying Ember
and now my wings have broken but Im no hurt or scared
this is somthing that was thought about for a while now I know
theres no turning back!!
Because I am the wind controling mortal in this fight the stars
and the light are ever growing!!!

Humph you couldnt beat me even if I wasnt immortial...

[Lust]

To both : nice work

[kazeminarocloud]

To both : nice work

your just saying that noone else thinks that

[edg]

To both : nice work

your just saying that noone else thinks that

And for a simple reason. They are not outstandingly good. Yours, kazeminarocloud, was a level higher above the average mud. That is good.
Let me get off the subject here a little. The average poem (a great example given by "Angel, the deamon killer"[applaude]) is depressive and boring. And it's not just depressive or just boring. It's both. Reading a poem which is depressive but not peculiary touching among others is like eating mud for me. It's like listening to your problems. Do you like listening to others' problems? Especially when these problems are just repeating endlessly. Seeming so different but in reality most of them are swimming in the same barrel of mud. Well, some do like listening to them. I have my limits.
Your poem, kaze, although better did not get into me either. First, it seemed like a chaotic mess of words. Why? Because when reading I naturally try to to take pauses on commas, points and the end of line (if it's a poem). In your case it's hard to understand is it really a poem or not. I do try to read it as a poem but then it's like "I am the unforgiven angel of the light holding pieces of" and here comes a pause like wtf and there it continues with "broken anger never knowing when or why im going to die". It's like - come on, wtf did you break the line just after "of"? Then check out this line: "The dark in nothing the only truly scary thing is my destiny." When I read it I read in one big streaming line of text without pauses because my simple mind just can't understand where you want me to pause. At least, not before I've read the sentence. And that's way too late. Poem is a way of expression that should take your inner thoughts, visions, emotions while reading it, not after you've read and doing deep analyzing. So, noticing there were no commas in the sentence and that doesn't make sense to me, I try to guess what you've tried to mean. First I want to divide in two sentences: "The dark in nothing. The only true scary thing is my destiny". But the first sentence is totally like out of blue. So I do some more thinking to it and come up with "The dark in nothing, the only truly scary thing is my destiny." Oh, that makes sense! But, darn, while analyzing that, I've totally lost the feeling I got in the previous lines. A line, a word, a mispelled letter can spoil a poem totally, so always try to imagine what a reader will be thinking when reading it. What do you want him to think? What do you want him to feel? Will long, unpunctuated lines of text ensure this feeling? I don't feel like continuing. Guess you got the idea already. In your case it's mostly about lines and punctuation. And it's actually what the poems make so special - manipulation with words and pauses to impress the reader. If it's only great words, don't write poem, write a miniature story!
I'd also like you to note the words of your poem. Looks like you've been listening to power metal a lot.
The text doesn't reveal any great idea nor dig into any problem nor contains any other meaning that you want the reader to think about. Well, there's a slight chance there is meaning but it's either I'm as my brother once said "translating all metaphors instantly thinking it's obvious" or not seeing the great point behing the text at all. And what hope there is that other people will see that great point?
So, if the text is not about an impressionable meaning, what is it about? I shall not fear guess the text is about emotions. About touching the readers feelings and making him feel different. But I already told you how terrible this text is for reading therefore not completing it's purpose. Yes, it there was some guitars and drums and... Music would provide the pauses for the listener, and when listening to your lyrics sung by a guy from power metal group whose name I don't really remember playing the instrumental of a sond I don't remember - your words are pretty good. But notice that for a song there's way too little words. This is not a latvian country not pop music where 3 words can be repeted again and again till normal people get sick already and are running around the room screaming in hope their brain comes out and don't suffer from hearing it any more.
Don't let all this get you down! I am telling my probably unique or rare point of view. If you wish your poems to touch my feelings and breeze my mind away, you should try to change the style. Don't ever complain about not being understood! Complaining works only on the merciful. Others think worse of those who complain when they do it. Because complaining is like saying you're too pathetic to be what you want and too weak to get what you want. People don't like listening to other's problems. Getting back to the subject, I'd like to encourage you trying and never fear failing every damn style of writing poems you can think of. Try to write something unique. Try to write upside down. Try to think of unusual things when writing. Force yourself to think of cutterpillar car trip and write about your digestion! Draw your poem first and then write it. Imagine your pencil is something important and then slowly break it and try your best to feel it throughly as much as possible. Don't forget the feeling and write it down. Forgot it? Break another one! Come on, I could keep counting ideas till morning, I'm a living generator of ideas, but you should try to come up with your own ideas. Just try to make it the best or don't start wasting your time! That applies to anything in your life if you wait for good feedback. Notice the word "try" in "try to make it your best". What you make will most probably will not be the best of all things ever but the important point is in trying which will lead to the best you are capable at that exact moment and condition.
Now I feel really pathetic wasting about an hour writing this.

Let's look at your own poem changed a little:

I am the unforgiven angel of light
Holding pieces of broken anger
Never knowing when or why
I am going to die.

It's just why I have to fight.
Nothing will ever hold me back!
May it be mortal or immortal
Here I go!

The dark in nothing, the only truly scary thing
Is my destiny.

Fallen light, endless night
For the fight I am immortial!
...

Lookie, lookie, I even changed some places to get the rythm sound ok! That takes me to the level of the most naive people on earth, hoping what I did was worth it.

[kazeminarocloud]

well............I guess your right because i write when i have nothing better to do most of my ideas only come when im not thinking of them....it may be confusing but let me translate i must have a clear mind in order to write poems or even draw for that matter. but however my poems are far better than my drawing when i first started. like when i first started drawing it was all discombobulated and crap but my poems are diffrent............but what im really trying to say is....

thanks










oh yeah im goning to edit it soon though so tell me what u think when i do